awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
