just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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