I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
