Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
