cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
