You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
You left your phone here
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