somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
