I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
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About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season