Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
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