You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
