i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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