i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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