where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
