there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
