Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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