make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
