i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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