He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
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i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
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When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me