You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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