i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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