I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
