considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
