at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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