all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho