Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I still have a little drunk in my system
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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