Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'