when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
