dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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