# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
ttyl tear gas
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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