After last night, I could never be a politician.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
