ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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