So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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