Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
They took my balls.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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