just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Michael Bay diarrhea
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.