Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
