Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
