So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
