Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
