sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
