Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
