i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
