Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
