he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.