Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.