i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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