I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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