This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
