Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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