I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
