dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
