I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
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I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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