im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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