Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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