so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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