3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
