Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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