Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
