Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
