There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
