My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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